I’m having an “I Suck” day

So a while back I posted that I kept writing because I thought I was good at it.

Today I’m not so sure. Today I pretty much think I suck. I think about the very talented writers I’ve gotten to know in the past nine months and I realize how crap I am.

My book sucks. It’s never going to get published. 18 agents have seen my query letter. Only one wanted to see more. And once they saw more, they rejected it. My book sucks.

I’ve started writing five other books. They suck. And for some reason I can’t seem to finish them. My writing just sucks.

Will I ever not suck? I hope so. But if I can’t finish another book, how will I ever get to the point where I don’t suck?

I’m feeling really chicken about starting more edits on Twenty-Five. I love the story, but if the writing sucks, why bother? If no agent is ever going to be interested in it, then why spend the little free time I have trying to make it perfect? It won’t be perfect, because I’m not perfect. Because I suck.

RANDOM

I found this quote online the other day and I have fallen in love with it: “I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”  ~Agatha Christie.

It’s just so damn true.  I’m in the middle of probably the hardest time in my life right now.  I’m financially drowning and my social calendar has never been bleaker, but I still know that life is this precious gift I’ve been given.  Yeah, life sucks once and a while and lately it’s sucked all the time, but even days of 99% shittyness (sorry, spell check refuses to tell me how to properly spell this word) there’s always at least 1% greatness.

Take today for example.  I just logged on to my dashboard to check things out and even though I haven’t posted anything new in a while, there hasn’t been a single day in the past 2 weeks where this blog hasn’t gotten at least 6 views.  That’s pretty cool.  I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but when I first started I’d have several days in a row with 0 views, so I feel like I’m moving up in the world.  Especially since I don’t really know how to advertise myself very well yet.  And, I checked the search terms people used to find my page and this was one of them: a give stick a pen up her virgin.  I’m TOTALLY serious about that.  Someone typed “a give stick a pen up her virgin” into google or yahoo or some other search engine and then clicked on a link to my blog.  Isn’t that just the most hilarious search term you’ve ever heard?

Makes me kind of glad that even in cyberspace I’m the first virgin people think of!

Oh, and to continue my ramblings of randomness, I’ve started work on a new project called The Death Effect.  I’ll create a page for it along with my other projects in a day or so.

And I got the nicest rejection email today.  Here’s a little snippet: “I’ve read your sample pages, and while I think you show great potential as a writer, I’m sorry to say that the project just isn’t a perfect fit with my current needs. This has less to do with your strengths as a writer and more to do with my goals as an agent and the trends of the current literary marketplace.”

Well, thank you, Ms. Super Agent.  I would have really enjoyed working with you, but how can I be upset when you tell me I have potential?  I might just print out that one sentence and stick on the wall behind my desk so I can stare at it when I’m writing.  That’s not weird, right?

OH!  And, Twenty-Five has made it to the #9 spot on the All-Time Rankings at The Next Big Writer.  I’m pretty happy about that.  I’m waiting for the administration to realize it so that my novel is given a spot on the All-Time Top Ten list.  When he does realize it, I’ll get access to a cool logo that I can use when marketing/advertising/selling my book, and you can bet I’ll be re-writing my query to include it’s shiny new status!

So, that’s what’s been going on in my life.  Oh, and I’m looking for a new job, but I may have mentioned that before.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  I have to have one by January 1st.  Anyone out there in cyberland looking for a freelance editor?  I’m pretty kick-ass at finding grammatical errors and I can use a comma with the best of them!  I don’t have any “education” or “experience” but I can give you several references of writers on TNBW who love my editing skills!

Man, this post has really lived up to its title!

Most Days I Just Want to Cry

And a lot of days I do.

I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in this life that isn’t right in any way, shape, or form.  I was supposed to do things with my life.  I was supposed to be somebody.  I always did well in school.  I was freaking valedictorian of my high school class, voted Most Likely to Succeed.  I was supposed to go to college and do well, graduate, and get an amazing job.  So what happened along the way that I’m broke, in a dead-end job which I’m about to quit so I can wait tables to get myself out of debt?  I went to college, I did well, I graduated. Where’s the amazing job?

I wondered in high school why I couldn’t find a boyfriend.  All my friends had boyfriends.  Several of my friends went from one boyfriend straight to another.  But not me.  And people would tell me it was because I was too mature.  High school boys weren’t at my level.  And because I’m naive, I believed that.  I was told, by several people, that I’d have boys falling at my feet when I went to college.  Yeah, that didn’t happen either.  I met one guy my freshman year who was actually interested in me, too, but that only lasted about two weeks.  Then, what?  He got bored?  Realized I was boring?  Realized I was going nowhere?  I don’t know.  He just kinda disappeared.  And that was the last time anyone’s ever been interested in me.

I don’t get it.  I just don’t get it.  Why do some people get everything and others get nothing?  Why do I get nothing?  How do I get anything?  Anything at all?  I’m sick of crying.  I’m sick of hating my reflection every time I look in the mirror.  I’m sick of the negative, pissy, angry person I’ve become.

Other People’s Happy Moments

That’s what pops up on my laptop screen when it falls asleep.

You see, for some reason, I have my screen saver set to play a slideshow of my iPhoto gallery.  So whenever I step out of the room for five minutes and come back, there are pictures of weddings looping over and over on the screen.  Now, were I also happily married, I’m sure I’d ooh and aah at each successive picture, and hey, sometimes I do.  But not lately.  Lately, it’s just depressing.

What is it about looking at other people’s happy moments that makes me want to stick a pencil in my ear and jiggle it around?

The fact that it has never been me?  Or the fact that it will never be me?

Or both?

 

On a happier note, NANO is going really well for me.  I have seven chapters written already and 11,381 words!  Not bad for day six!  I posted my first chapter on TNBW and it’s gotten really positive feedback so far.  I know the TNBW-ers well enough to know they don’t give false praise… at least not all the time 🙂

I guess that’s a happy moment, right?  I should take a snapshot of my reviews and upload it to my iPhoto gallery.  Not exactly the same as a happy shot of a bride and groom smashing cake in each others’ faces, but it will have to do for now.

 

Oh, I got my second rejection from an agent yesterday!  🙂  I’m really feeling good about it.  More letters going out today!

 

Oh, and on the financial trouble front, I’m looking for a new job.  I told one of my bosses yesterday.  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to find one, but I wanted to be upfront with my boss about it.  I don’t really want to quit either of my jobs, but I can’t keep going on the way things are.

 

So, yeah, now you know what a basketcase I am…

1 Down, Probably a Million or So to Go

Hamm-Marlor-260

Just got my first, very kind, rejection from an agent.

No real comments on the letter or premise itself, just that the agent didn’t think they were the right agent for my book.

Oh well.

Part of the business.  It does kind of make me feel more like a writer now that I’ve felt the first bitter sting of rejection.  Wow, I’ll never get published if I keep writing cliches like that!

So, now my new goal is to send out one new query for every rejection I get in!  Off to send one right now!