TNBW’s 2010 Strongest Start Competition for the Romance Category. It really doesn’t come as a surprise, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Apparently Twenty-Five, the only book I’ve been able to actually finish, is a victim of first book syndrome. It will never get anywhere because it just isn’t good. I should put it in a drawer and work on other projects, but it’s so hard to get the characters out of my head. Ben is the only character I have left who still talks to me- and that’s with 6 or 7 different projects that I’ve started. Everyone else seems to have thrown in the towel, I think they want me to throw in the towel too.
I don’t want to.
But I’m worried I’m going to have to.
No, I won’t.
I don’t want to be a quitter. But what if this isn’t right? What if I really do suck? What if I’m not supposed to be a writer?
Do you enjoy it?
When I actually have time to do it, yes.
Then what makes you think you aren’t supposed to be a writer?
Touche. But I mean, I suck at THIS. I suck at writing. I get told all the time that my stories aren’t original, no one seems to “get” what I’m trying to say.
You don’t suck.
Yes, I do.
I’m going to smack you.
You won’t be the first one who’s threatened to do that.
I’ll be the first one to follow through.
No, you won’t. Because you are me. And I never follow through on anything.
That’s not true!
Sure it is. Look at me. I graduated college Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Criminal Justice. Have I EVER pursued a career in criminal justice?
You applied to law school.
But I didn’t go.
Do you regret that?
Because then maybe I’d be doing something worth while.
You think your life isn’t worth while?
Why not? Why not? Because I’m stuck. I work three jobs and I still can’t afford to live on my own. I’m tired and grumpy all the time. No guy has ever wanted to be with me and I truly believe no guy ever will. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever. My writing is crap, I don’t even know why I try.
Isn’t it true that more people tell you they like your writing than tell you they dislike it?
Technically, I suppose.
Technically, you suppose? You are infuriating. Why can’t you believe in yourself more?
Because there’s nothing to believe in.
Yes, there is.
No, there isn’t.
We’ve been here before.
And we’ll be back again.
Why did you enter the contest in the first place?
I was hoping to get some validation, I suppose. Something quantifiable. I’ve never won a single contest I’ve entered, writing or otherwise. I just wanted to feel like I could do something right. That I could be a winner. I thought maybe Twenty-Five would have a shot. I was wrong.
It made it to the finals.
The finals isn’t winning.
It’s closer than losing.
Well, aren’t you clever?
I like to think so.
Do you really think I can ever get anywhere with this? Is there even a chance that someone out there will ever think that my writing is great, or at least good enough?
But not all the time?
Well, of course I have doubts. I’m you. You’re me. You’re having this conversation with yourself, idiot.
I AM an idiot.
And you’d be hella boring if you weren’t one.
Thanks for that.
But a little thing that made me happy today: My friend, Ang, DID win the Strongest Start Competition in the Romance Category. Congratulations Ang! You’re an amazing writer and I’m happy to call you a friend!