Most Days I Just Want to Cry

And a lot of days I do.

I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in this life that isn’t right in any way, shape, or form.  I was supposed to do things with my life.  I was supposed to be somebody.  I always did well in school.  I was freaking valedictorian of my high school class, voted Most Likely to Succeed.  I was supposed to go to college and do well, graduate, and get an amazing job.  So what happened along the way that I’m broke, in a dead-end job which I’m about to quit so I can wait tables to get myself out of debt?  I went to college, I did well, I graduated. Where’s the amazing job?

I wondered in high school why I couldn’t find a boyfriend.  All my friends had boyfriends.  Several of my friends went from one boyfriend straight to another.  But not me.  And people would tell me it was because I was too mature.  High school boys weren’t at my level.  And because I’m naive, I believed that.  I was told, by several people, that I’d have boys falling at my feet when I went to college.  Yeah, that didn’t happen either.  I met one guy my freshman year who was actually interested in me, too, but that only lasted about two weeks.  Then, what?  He got bored?  Realized I was boring?  Realized I was going nowhere?  I don’t know.  He just kinda disappeared.  And that was the last time anyone’s ever been interested in me.

I don’t get it.  I just don’t get it.  Why do some people get everything and others get nothing?  Why do I get nothing?  How do I get anything?  Anything at all?  I’m sick of crying.  I’m sick of hating my reflection every time I look in the mirror.  I’m sick of the negative, pissy, angry person I’ve become.

6 thoughts on “Most Days I Just Want to Cry

  1. Rachel,

    This is rather heart-breaking. And as weird as it sounds, I feel your pain. It’s interesting to me how we gravitate towards certain people, and ever since I read your short little piece, I’ve wondered about you. For whatever reason, you are the preverbal “the grass is always greener on the other side” to my life. You see I have everything that you want, everything as a girl I thought I wanted. I married my first, my first kiss, my first love, my first break-up and after I got pregnant while still in college (from a pressure to lose the virgin status), my first make-up. I have the two story house in the cute little HOA community and the suffocating mortgage that goes with it. I have a career that pays the bills, keeps toys in the kids’ bedroom, but doesn’t really allow me to do what I love–write. I know you’d like what I have, and yes, I love my kiddos to death, but I’d like what you have. I went from sharing a room with my brothers to sharing a live with my husband and kids. I’ve never had a chance to be my own person. I hit thirty, and I don’t even know what kind of person I am because I’ve never had time to look for myself. I don’t mean to whine, really I don’t. I write this because you should know, no matter how you see yourself, there are those of us who see you as a beautiful, talented person (with agents asking for your ms) with so much potential that you make the rest of us look bad 🙂

    Good luck finding your happiness.

  2. Rachel, This blog was me five years ago when I was twenty five. Up to the time I was twenty-four I lived this life. After I graduated with my B.Ed I worked three jobs just to meet my basic bills (and I was living at home rent-free) Trust me waiting tables – did that for five years!

    But it wasn’t until I took the biggest risk of my life that anything changed. I took a job in Texas, for a born and bred Canadian it wasn’t the easiest thing. Not to mention I had no family south of the border. I spent a year hating my job, my apartment and Texas before I started to realize that maybe I did have it better down here.

    I have gone through years of homesickness and loneliness but if I hadn’t taken that leap of faith I never would have met Brandon.

    Don’t give up! You have your first novel completed, and in the hands of an agent. And I know that you’ll get a ton of requests. You are a success! Think of how many people say they want to write, how easy it is, but never do it.

    I will be the first in line to buy 25 when it hits the shelves, and I’m still dying to know what happened to Adrian!
    🙂 Ang

  3. Hey girl,

    You’re different, that’s all. Quirky, funny, and witty. You see through layers, can’t play the phony, and THAT’s the problem. Only it’s a wonderful problem to have because it shows you’re special. You just have to put yourself into situations that will help you meet unusual, intelligent and fun people like you. As for being a virgin, I WISH I had been one at your age! Trust me, you don’t need the emotional scars when things don’t work out. In the end, I think you’re the smart one!

    Bisi

  4. To a certain extent, we all have this problem.

    I see so many others around me who don’t have the problems I have and I get depressed. But then I figure, this is exactly where I should be at this point in my life — for whatever reason — but it won’t be a permanent stop.

    Isn’t it amazing that no matter what we go through, there’s someone else who wants what they think we have?

    Whatever you’re facing will pass. Six months to a year from now, you’ll be wondering how you got out of your situation and where this set of problems went.

  5. We’ve all had years like that. I wish I could say something inspiring and pithy that would change your life but it doesn’t work that way. The only person who can save you is you.

    You sound a little like me, except no one ever expected me to succeed at anything.

    The only question I can ask you is what I ask myself—Do you know what you want?

    If you know what you want, then the rest is just damn hard work.

    YOu want a boyfriend, sign up for 10 minute dates. Our Krogers have them twice a week. Talk to your friends, have them set you up on blind dates. Look around, is there someone who interests you? If he’s free, ask him out.

    Yes, you’re going to get blown off and rejected some of the time. But if you expect life to show up at your door with a picnic basket, you’ll be disappointed.

    Go out, have fun, laugh. If you don’t like you, don’t expect someone else to like you. Unhappy people attract unhappy people.

    IT sounds like something about you is saying ‘Go Away’ and ‘Stay Away’. I’ve seen your pictures, you’re cute. You’re obviously bright.

    I think you need to start fishing and stop waiting for the fish to jump in your boat.

    Be more open. You could be scaring them away.

    And if a man doesn’t show up in your life, it isn’t the end of the world. If you have good friends, lots of hobbies, varied interests, travel—who has time to date?

    Where is that great job? Hell if I know. Keep looking. Always keep apply for new jobs.

    Look in new directions. Did I ever think I’d end up in textbook sales? No but I like the job. It won’t make me rich though.

    I realize now Library Science would have been a great fit for me. I may go back.

    Be happy in the now, it’s the only now you get.

    We all feel like this. That our lives took a wrong turn and we ended up in Nowheresville.

    All you can do is take the next exit and hope for the best.

    Love Tirz

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