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The End of My Twenty-Fifth Year

| rachelhamm

It’s June.  I can’t believe it’s June.  It’s JUNE 13TH!!!!

June used to be the month I looked forward to.  As soon as the calendar hit June 1st, I’d start the countdown to my birthday (6 days counting today and the actual Birth Day, in case you were wondering).

I loved my birthday growing up.  I loved having a day that was all about me- where I got to pick the restaurant and sit in the front seat and the cake had MY name on it.  Who doesn’t like that?

Birthdays are a lot less magical as you get older.  And I’m not saying I’m old.  In fact, I still FEEL very young.  But I can’t deny the fact that I am getting older every day.  We all are.

It’s going to be very difficult to say goodbye to my Twenty-fifth year.  As you’ve probably learned by now, I’ve built it up in my mind as the year things were supposed to change- where I was finally supposed to become something, someone.

I can’t say exactly why the age Twenty-five has such a powerful hold on me, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t.  I actually wrote my novel when I was twenty-four, but I’ve spent my entire twenty-fifth year revising it and trying to see if I have what it takes to be a real writer and I’ll always think of my twenty-fifth year as the year I created my first book.

And it’s almost gone.

And I’m no closer to being someone special than I was a year ago.

Or am I?

I’ve grown this year.  Taller, no.  Wider, possibly.  But mostly in taking control of my life.  I write my blog- I share myself with the world.  I quit my job and found one that pays better and doesn’t make me want to kill myself at the end of the day.  It still isn’t my dream career, but it enables me to work towards my dream career a little more.  I actually went out on a couple of dates this year!  None of them led to anything, but they were still more than anything else in the past six years or so.

I can’t truthfully say that I’m happy with where I’m at in life.  But.  I can say that I’m happier than I was a year ago.

And that has to count for something, right?

Where Dreams Come True… Part Five

| rachelhamm

Sunday morning, bright and early, we drove once again through the Disney gates.

Our first stop was Hollywood Studios, because I LOVE the movies! Any movie, every movie.  Good, bad, and completely ridiculous.

We went to Guest Services and told them it was our birthdays.  They gave us these badges with our names and “Happy Birthday” on them and every where we went all day long Disney employees (and some other guests) told us Happy Birthday.  I recommend getting one of these badges whenever you go, whether it’s your birthday or not.  Being told “Happy Birthday” every five minutes is incredibly magical!

There weren’t a ton of rides at Hollywood Studios and the ones there had long lines and no fast passes for a while, so we didn’t ride anything, just walked around and admired the general splendor until it was time for the Beauty and the Beast show.  Have I mentioned that Beauty and the Beast is my ALL TIME FAVORITE Disney movie?  The show was really good– basically the movie condensed into thirty minutes of musical numbers.  I loved it, of course, and sang along with each and every song.  I’m sure Brooke was annoyed as hell, but she smiled and didn’t complain at all.  I took about 30 pictures of the show, but here’s my favorite.  Any guess why? haha

After Beauty and the Beast we went to the Indiana Jones Show, then moved on to The Magic Kingdom.

The Magic Kingdom was just that.  Magical.  I know I’ve used this description countless times, but really, Disney World is magical.  It’s wondrous.  Amazing.  Spectacular.  Fantabulous.

The first thing we did was head straight for Space Mountain and get fast passes.  Unfortunately the fast passes weren’t good until after 8:15 PM, but luckily, we were planning on staying all day!

After obtaining the fast passes we got lunch, then enjoyed the 3:00 parade.  It started raining just as the parade started, but the rain was actually a welcome addition- it cooled the day down a bit.

When the parade ended, it really started to pour, so we went to the Hall of Presidents and enjoyed the show there.  It was quite moving.  It begins with George Washington and goes all the way through to Barack Obama.  When pictures from 9/11 scrolled across the screen with George W. Bush’s voice speaking over it with words of encouragement for the nation, I got a little teary!  And I am NOT a fan of George W. Bush!  But anyways…

We spent the next couple of hours riding all of the MUST RIDE rides: It’s a Small World After All, Pirates of the Caribbean, Jungle Cruise.  I wanted to ride the Teacups and Splash Mountain, but Brooke didn’t want to, so NEXT TIME!  And unfortunately Thunder Mountain was closed.  NEXT TIME!

At 6:00 we left the Magic Kingdom and met Danny in Epcot for a backstage tour of The Seas.  I wasn’t allowed to take any pictures backstage because that’s “where the magic ends.” Plus, Danny could have gotten into big trouble!  He took us to the room that overlooks the aquarium and I stood approximately three feet away from two dolphins who stuck their heads above the water and looked straight at me!  They knew I was there to see them.  I couldn’t say anything to them or make any big hand gestures because it would derail their training, but still, I was only three feet away.  NEXT TIME Danny might try and arrange it so I can go snorkeling in the tank and then I might be able to touch one of them (maybe- I’m not sure, he wasn’t clear on that)!

After our backstage tour, we walked through the World Showcase.  Of course I had to take a picture in the famous London phone booths!  Danny ate at the Moroccan restaurant, but Brooke and I didn’t want to eat anything for dinner yet because we still had Space Mountain ahead!

We went through the entire World Showcase and of course I took a ton of pictures, but I’ve already bored you enough, so I’ll just get to the end of the day.

We went back to The Magic Kingdom after the World Showcase because we wanted to see the fireworks.  They were beautiful but Danny told me how much they cost each night and almost gave me a heart attack.  Let’s just put it this way- it was almost more than I made last year- for the entire year- with both jobs.

Still breathtaking, though.

And of course, after the fireworks: SPACE MOUNTAIN!  The best most awesome roller coaster EVER.  I know there will be some cynical and pessimistic people out there who don’t believe in the magic of Disney who will say, “Space Mountain?  Really?  The best roller coaster ever?”  And I will say “HECK YES!”  And they will say, “But it doesn’t even go upside down!”  And I will say, “But you can’t see what’s coming next!  The thrill is much bigger!”

After Space Mountain, 😦 , we left Disney World.  I said goodbye to the happiest place on earth (though, as we were informed when we got our birthday badges, Disney Land is actually the Happiest Place on Earth, while Disney World is Where Dreams Come True).  And then I had to come home.  Back to reality.  But I brought some happiness back with me.  A little magic.

And I plan on holding onto it for as long as possible.

Thank you Disney World- I will be back.

Where Dreams Come True… Part Four

| rachelhamm

I really had no idea describing my vacation would take this many posts- sorry!  feel free to skip if you don’t love Disney as much as I do– which btw is crazy talk.  Who doesn’t love Disney?

The first thing we did at Disney was explore a few of the resorts.  We went to The Wilderness Lodge

I got a little camera happy!  I took even more at the Wilderness Lodge, but I won’t bore you with too many pictures.  I was just so excited to be there.  It was like stepping into a dream.  I’d been wanting to go to Disney World for as long as I can remember.  And here I was.  Standing there, seeing the beauty and the creativity and the wonder of it all.  It makes you realize how important passion is in life.  You have to have passion to have fun, to enjoy the little things.  I had a lot of passion at Disney.

The next place we visited was the Contemporary Resort.  It was not nearly as exciting as the Wilderness Lodge because it was all modern architecture and furniture.  It didn’t have the magical atmosphere that the other resorts did, but it did have the monorail running through it!

We hopped on the monorail and headed to the Polynesian Resort.  The Polynesian was BEAUTIFUL.  Gorgeous.  And it smelled delicious!  There’s a restaurant there called Ohona (if you remember from Lilo & Stitch, “Ohona” means family) where they serve the customers family style.  Waiters walk around with huge trays full of kabobs and according to Brooke, the bread is delicious.  I think you have to have a reservation to eat there, so we didn’t, but I told Brooke that next time (and yes- there will most definitely be a next time) I visit, we are eating there.

We did eat at the Polynesian Resort, though, just not at Ohona.  We ate Pineapple Dole Whip at the cafe on the bottom floor.  It was actually a little bit taller than this picture, but we all took a bite before I thought to pull out the camera.  And yes, we ate it all:

After the Polynesian resort, we went to The Grand Floridian Resort.  It was spectacular.  I want to live in this hotel.  That’s all I’m going to say.  I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

After seeing the beauty at the resorts, we went to Downtown Disney so that I could get all my souvenirs.  We decided it would be best to get them the night before so that I didn’t have to carry them around all day on Sunday at the parks.

Saturday was eventful.  Sunday was magical.  There’s just no other word for it.  Look for the final installment tomorrow night!

Where Dreams Come True… Part Three

| rachelhamm

Brooke had to work on Friday during the day, so I got to sleep in!  And when I did finally get up, I immediately put on my brand new bathing suit (P.S. I haven’t worn a bathing suit in over 4 years.  Luckily, it was not as traumatic as I expected because no one saw me in it except for Brooke and her roommate later in the day) and went out to the pool.

In Florida, everyone has a pool in their backyard.  Literally.

I got in the pool and swam around for about five minutes.  It was nice, but swimming alone really isn’t that much fun, so I got out and dried off by laying in the sun for a little bit.  Then the main event.  I spent the next three or four hours at my laptop, just typing and editing and not worrying at all about work life.  I was completely immersed in The Death Effect and the world of my imagination.  It was so peaceful, so nice, so incredibly relaxing.  I really needed it.

On Friday night Brooke, her boyfriend Danny, and I went to their stem church for Bible study of sorts.  I had a good time.  Their friends were welcoming, we had Papa John’s pizza (mmm… delicious.  I used to dislike it, but it has grown on me), and then discussed the idea of God’s plan and the goal of accepting God’s plan and living in the moment rather than living for the future.

I completely live for the future.  I wish I didn’t.  And I’m trying harder not to.  That’s partly what this blog is for.  It’s why I switched jobs in January.  And it’s why I write for me and haven’t really been freaking out about the fact that I haven’t had time to search for an agent.  But the truth is, I’ve always waited for that future moment when my life “will start.”  You know what I mean.  That time when I’m in the career I want, in love with the man I want, happy with the family I want, out of the debt I have now.  It’s always ahead of me.  I’m always stretching my hand out trying to grasp it, inevitably falling short.

But my trip to Orlando was living in the moment.  Not caring how it would affect my bank account, only caring how it would affect my happiness NOW.  And I’m so happy I went.

Saturday, I repeated Friday morning/afternoon- working a lot on The Death Effect, but not really working on it.  I read through everything I have written so far, edited a few things, and made sure it was up-to-date on TNBW.  Again, a completely relaxing, no-obligations day.  I loved it.

Saturday night- we went to Disney…

My first glimpse of Disney through the rain and the windows!

Where Dreams Come True… Part Two

| rachelhamm

So let me tell you a little about my trip to Orlando.

This was the first real vacation I’ve had in years.  YEARS.  I can’t even remember the last vacation I took.  My family went to Buffalo to visit my Dad’s parents last summer, but I’m not sure I really count that as a vacation because it was all family time.  The point is, I don’t take a lot of vacations because I can’t really afford it for one thing and because I don’t have the time for it for another.  This was a pretty big step for me.  I’m still not entirely sure I could afford this vacation, but it’s over now, so…

I had a four-day weekend thanks to Memorial Day and the new job at the ortho’s office (if I can still call it new, I’ve been there almost 5 months), so I just took the plunge.  I’m not really a risk taker, never have been.  The day I purchased the plane tickets- I felt so amazing!  And I’ve been in such a GOOD MOOD ever since.

I got off work at 5:00 on Thursday and headed straight for the airport.  It was the first time I’ve flown by myself!  I’ve flown a few times, when I was in college for trips with the Honors Program I was involved in, but I’ve never flown for a personal trip and never by myself.  I’m used to being alone, so it wasn’t a big deal, but it did make me feel GROWN UP.  You know?  I’ve been an adult forever it seems like, but this was just another one of those things that every adult has to do- Fly on a plane by themselves.

So… Check!

I had a short layover in Nashville and I almost freaked out when we landed because I thought I missed my connecting flight to Orlando!  ALMOST freaked out.  But I kept my head cool.  I almost freaked out because when we landed my phone said 8:26 and my flight to Orlando was scheduled to leave at 8:20.  I was stuck on the plane so there wasn’t anything I could do until we got off the plane and I found my gate to see if my flight had left.  I texted my friend to let her know and then I saw the guy’s cell phone beside me said 7:28.  I was like, “Is there a time difference between Raleigh and Nashville?”  Brooke said she’d look it up and let me know and sure enough, yes, there is an hour time difference!  North Carolina and Tennessee are so close, I never knew they were in different time zones!

Needless to say, I didn’t miss my connection!  I got to Orlando Thursday night a little after 11:00 and Brooke picked me up at the airport.  My vacation REALLY started the next day!  More to come…

Where Dreams Come True… Part One

| rachelhamm

It is Monday night, 9:44 pm, the 31st of May.  Memorial Day.  I just finished a visit to my friend, Brooke, who lives in Orlando.  We went to Disney World while I was there.

It was my first visit to Disney World.  I had an AMAZING and FANTABULOUS time.  It was the most fun I’ve had in as long as I can remember.  And it really got me thinking- because what doesn’t get me thinking?- about my life and my upcoming birthday.  I feel like I have a ton of stuff to say, so this is probably going to be a two or three part post, to be posted over the next week.

But before I get into my ramblings on how Disney World has changed my life, here are a few pictures for your enjoyment!


More pictures to come, I promise!  The adventures *begin* tomorrow!

Random Ramblings From My Notebook

| rachelhamm

I was looking through my notebook today, trying to figure out which chapters of which stories I’ve actually typed and I found a couple of random things.  Basically, these are pieces I penned when I couldn’t work on one of my books.  Enjoy!

**********************************************************************************************

What good does it do me

To be angry at you?

What good does it do you

To ignore me?

Can’t we just agree

That we’ve both been wrong?

**********************************************************************************************

I don’t know what love is.  I know I love my parents and family because I have to, not because I actually feel anything.  I’ve never felt an emotion I could classify as love.  As far as I know, no one has ever felt that towards me.

So do I love God?  No.  But not necessarily because I don’t want to.  It would be easy to just believe, to just say the words.  But what good is that going to do?

Blind faith is idiocy.  If you just believe to believe, then really, what do you believe?

True faith is doubting, questioning, fearing.  And then believing anyways.

**********************************************************************************************

It’s hard to feel alive

When life is empty

I exist in a world meant for others

I watch them experience

Breathing is a struggle

Waking up torture

I’m slowly dying

Every day losing pieces of myself

And it doesn’t matter

No one cares

Life or death

It’s all the same for me

And for the world where

I wasn’t meant to be

*********************************************************************************************

The fluorescent lights in the hallway dimmed as the bustle of people exiting the building died down.  Soon the only lights left on the floor came from my desk lamp and the glow of my computer monitor.

“Hey Julie,” Shaun’s lanky frame leaned into the door, clinging to the brass knob, “I’m about to head out.  Do you need anything before I go?”

I tossed my pen onto the desk and tucked a few loose curls behind my ear.  “I don’t know.  My brain is completely scrambled.  I’m sure that the second you walk away I’ll think of ten things I need help with before the presentation tomorrow.”

“That sounds about right.”

I laughed and leaned back over the charts and graphs I’d been preparing for the last two weeks.

“Have you eaten dinner?” he asked, taking a couple steps into the room.

“No, I’ll probably grab some fast food on the way home.”

“I could get you something, bring it pack, help you finish up the details.”

“That’s a really nice offer, but I’m almost done.  One of us should go have some fun and enjoy our evening.”

“We could have dinner together and then we’d both enjoy our evening.”  He was just a foot in front of my desk now.

I didn’t know what to say.  Was he asking what I thought he was asking?  Or was he just being my friendly coworker, a member of the project team who wanted the presentation to be as perfect as I did?

“Um, I’m not hungry.  And I really don’t have much more work.  Thanks, though.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  Picking up my pen, I focused on adding comments to the index cards I would need the next day.

“Okay.  Have a good night, then.”  He pulled a granola bar out of his pocket and smiled crookedly as he set it on top of my papers.  “Just in case.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Don’t work too hard.  You’re ready.”  He took long strides into the hall and faded into the darkness.  The wrapper crinkled loudly in the silent air when I tore into it and took a bite.

*  *  *  *

“Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, my team and I will be happy to answer any questions you have about the proposal.”  I set my postcards on the podium and unconsciously glanced behind me to Shaun, who gave an encouraging smile.  He nodded towards the group of suits sitting around the conference table in front of us and I turned to answer their numerous questions.

When the last executive shut the door behind him, our boss Mr. Henry approached and extended his hand.  “Congratulations, Julie.  They loved your ideas.”

“Thank you, sir, but it was a team effort.”

“Well, you’ve certainly proved you can handle a team.  Come by my office after lunch and we’ll discuss your next project.”

“Yes sir.  Thank you.”

Once our boss left, my coworkers congratulated me and I thanked them for all of their hard work.  I looked around to speak to Shaun, but he was gone, he must have slipped out while I’d been talking to Mr. Henry.  Disappointment settled into my stomach, but at least his leaving let me know that the moment in my office the night before meant nothing except in my imagination.

I gathered my charts and index cards and filed out of the conference room after my teammates.  I watched as they split up and entered their different offices before reaching my own at the end of the hall and dropping the armful of presentation materials into the chair inside the door.

A vase of pink and yellow tulips stood in place of my computer keyboard; I stopped at the edge of my desk and looked over my shoulder for the deliverer of the gorgeous gift, but there was no one there.  I sat slowly and pulled the chair close to the desk.  A small white envelope was tucked into the flowers, my name visible in bright red ink.

Leaning forward, I breathed in the sweet smell of the bouquet and felt a smile emerge across my face.  I took the envelope and pulled the card out.

Julie, Congrats on the presentation.  I really appreciate everything you did for the project.  And if you ever DO get hungry, I’d be happy to take you to dinner.  ~Shaun

It was simple, sweet, not over-the-top.  I propped the card against my computer monitor, moved the vase to the right side of my desk so it was framed by the open doorway, and found my keyboard in the center drawer beneath my computer monitor so I could get back to work.  But temptation got the better of me and every few minutes I’d look to the tulips and smile.

At the end of the day, I collected my briefcase and plucked a bright yellow bloom from the vase to take home with me.

“Great job, today.”  Shaun’s voice came from the doorway again.

“Thanks.  And thanks for these.”  I lifted the chosen stem and inhaled the sweet fragrance.

“You’re welcome.  Do you like them?”

“Very much.  It’s the first time anyone’s bought me flowers.”

His smile matched mine as I joined him at the door.  Our hands joined together effortlessly, we didn’t speak as we walked to the parking lot, but we both knew he was taking me out to dinner.

When it Rains…

| rachelhamm

…It pours.

I’m not boy-crazy, though I do realize that a lot of my recent posts have dealt with persons of the opposite gender.  Love and dating have been on my mind a lot lately, but I blame society and all of the stupid happy people around me.  (Okay, I blame myself for a good portion of the happy people around me, I did make a conscious choice to spend my weekends coordinating weddings, but I’d rather blame society.)

I’ve spent most of my adolescent and adult life wondering why guys aren’t interested in me.  And then, for some reason, all at once, guy after guy pops up and makes me question whether there really were no guys interested before or if I was too busy belittling myself to notice the guys who were.

Today I went to get my oil changed.  When my car was ready, an employee called my name and I went to the desk to pay.  I took one of my headphones out, but left the other one in while the guy told me my total and I handed over my debit card.  While the transaction was running he asked me something, but I was looking away and didn’t really register that he had spoken for a couple of seconds.  When I did, I took out my other headphone and he repeated himself, “What have you been up to?”

“Just working.”  I shrugged my shoulders and put my book back in my purse.

“Do you remember me?” he asked.  I finally looked at him, trying to recognize someone from high school, but though he looked vaguely familiar, no name came to me.

“Should I?”  I couldn’t believe I asked that, but it was the first thing I could think of to say.  He smiled and pointed at his name on his shirt.  It took me another second or two and then it dawned on me.  I had dated this guy!  Not seriously, we went out a couple of times when I was a teenager, he used to be a regular at the skating rink where I worked in high school.  (I know skating rinks are incredibly uncool, but most of the jobs I’ve had have been incredibly uncool.)

I let him know I knew who he was and asked what he’d been up to.  He said he thought I looked familiar but wasn’t positive until he saw my name.  It was a very strange encounter.  I didn’t really know what to say to him, I didn’t really remember much about him, not even his last name.  What I did remember was kissing him in a movie theater.  I’ve only kissed a few guys- four to be exact.  And he was one of them.  Yet, I hadn’t thought about him in years.  Probably not since I quit the skating rink (almost 10 years ago).

There are guys in my past that I cared very deeply about, even though they didn’t feel the same for me.  I still think of them sometimes and wonder what they are doing and how they are.  Not in a creepy stalker way, but I’m sure you know what I mean.  People who are important to you have a way of imprinting themselves on your life, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen or talked to them.

I found it odd that this guy hadn’t imprinted.  I would have thought that one of the few men I’d kissed would have, you know?  I suppose if someone had asked me this morning how many guys I’d kissed I would have been able to tell them and I would have been able to name this guy, but I can’t be positive about that.

I don’t know why it affects me so much, but I feel guilty about it.  And at the same time, I wonder if I’m that forgettable.  Probably to some.  But maybe there are men out there who I imprinted on somehow.  I can’t be certain that’s the case, but maybe.

Sorry, back to my original topic.  When it rains, it pours.  I thought when I turned twenty-five approximately 10 months ago that this was going to be the year I met someone.  I was sure of it.  I wrote down a love story in the hopes that it would propel fate or destiny or whatever.  Of course it didn’t.  Then I stopped expecting it to happen.  And of course as soon as I stopped expecting it to happen, Religious Guy asked me out (and dumped me- although it wasn’t really a dumping since we were only trying each other out, more like he decided I didn’t fit) and then Waiter Guy tells me I’m beautiful and then Dog Guy appears to flirt with me and then I run into Guy-I-Once-Kissed Guy.  Now, I know none of these guys are the someone I’ve been hoping for for so long, but they are building up my confidence a little.  I believe in myself a little more.  Enough to smile at Dog Guy rather than looking away immediately.  Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll have enough courage to actually speak to him.  Maybe twenty-five wasn’t my year.  Maybe twenty-six won’t be either, but it’s looking a lot better today than it was yesterday.

This is supposed to be a blog about writing and about me trying to be a writer.  But sometimes it’s so much more than that for me.  I know I ramble about random and stupid and silly things sometimes, but sometimes this blog is all I have.  After the encounter today, I really wanted to tell someone about it.  But I didn’t have anyone I could tell it to.  I’ve been closed off for a long time.  I keep to myself because friends who I thought I was close to let me down, they didn’t care about me the way I thought they did.  Now I have 2 friends who I consider to be close friends, but they aren’t physically close.  And the truth is, it’s still hard for me to talk to them about certain things.  I don’t know how to bring something like this up with them.  I end up feeling guilty for talking about me instead of them and so I make light of whatever it is I wanted to tell them in the first place.  I feel selfish if the “problem” I have isn’t big in comparison to a problem they may have.

This blog is the only place I can truly express myself and my fears and tell others about things happening in my life without feeling guilty because I’m talking about me.  I used to keep a journal and if I went back to read my old thoughts, I’m sure they would sound an awful lot like this blog- often repetitive and back and forth emotionally.  I love life, I hate myself, I love myself, I hate life- you get the picture.  I often wonder if I’m optimistic, pessimistic, or just plain foolish and sometimes I wonder if I’m bi-polar.  My mood swings probably aren’t that extreme, but what can I say, I over-think and over-analyze everything.  All of which to say that while I still intend to use this blog to chronicle my writing journey, I think it’s important to use it to chronicle the bigger journey that I’m on, too.

A journey to be happy.