Random Ramblings From My Notebook

I was looking through my notebook today, trying to figure out which chapters of which stories I’ve actually typed and I found a couple of random things.  Basically, these are pieces I penned when I couldn’t work on one of my books.  Enjoy!

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What good does it do me

To be angry at you?

What good does it do you

To ignore me?

Can’t we just agree

That we’ve both been wrong?

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I don’t know what love is.  I know I love my parents and family because I have to, not because I actually feel anything.  I’ve never felt an emotion I could classify as love.  As far as I know, no one has ever felt that towards me.

So do I love God?  No.  But not necessarily because I don’t want to.  It would be easy to just believe, to just say the words.  But what good is that going to do?

Blind faith is idiocy.  If you just believe to believe, then really, what do you believe?

True faith is doubting, questioning, fearing.  And then believing anyways.

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It’s hard to feel alive

When life is empty

I exist in a world meant for others

I watch them experience

Breathing is a struggle

Waking up torture

I’m slowly dying

Every day losing pieces of myself

And it doesn’t matter

No one cares

Life or death

It’s all the same for me

And for the world where

I wasn’t meant to be

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The fluorescent lights in the hallway dimmed as the bustle of people exiting the building died down.  Soon the only lights left on the floor came from my desk lamp and the glow of my computer monitor.

“Hey Julie,” Shaun’s lanky frame leaned into the door, clinging to the brass knob, “I’m about to head out.  Do you need anything before I go?”

I tossed my pen onto the desk and tucked a few loose curls behind my ear.  “I don’t know.  My brain is completely scrambled.  I’m sure that the second you walk away I’ll think of ten things I need help with before the presentation tomorrow.”

“That sounds about right.”

I laughed and leaned back over the charts and graphs I’d been preparing for the last two weeks.

“Have you eaten dinner?” he asked, taking a couple steps into the room.

“No, I’ll probably grab some fast food on the way home.”

“I could get you something, bring it pack, help you finish up the details.”

“That’s a really nice offer, but I’m almost done.  One of us should go have some fun and enjoy our evening.”

“We could have dinner together and then we’d both enjoy our evening.”  He was just a foot in front of my desk now.

I didn’t know what to say.  Was he asking what I thought he was asking?  Or was he just being my friendly coworker, a member of the project team who wanted the presentation to be as perfect as I did?

“Um, I’m not hungry.  And I really don’t have much more work.  Thanks, though.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  Picking up my pen, I focused on adding comments to the index cards I would need the next day.

“Okay.  Have a good night, then.”  He pulled a granola bar out of his pocket and smiled crookedly as he set it on top of my papers.  “Just in case.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Don’t work too hard.  You’re ready.”  He took long strides into the hall and faded into the darkness.  The wrapper crinkled loudly in the silent air when I tore into it and took a bite.

*  *  *  *

“Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, my team and I will be happy to answer any questions you have about the proposal.”  I set my postcards on the podium and unconsciously glanced behind me to Shaun, who gave an encouraging smile.  He nodded towards the group of suits sitting around the conference table in front of us and I turned to answer their numerous questions.

When the last executive shut the door behind him, our boss Mr. Henry approached and extended his hand.  “Congratulations, Julie.  They loved your ideas.”

“Thank you, sir, but it was a team effort.”

“Well, you’ve certainly proved you can handle a team.  Come by my office after lunch and we’ll discuss your next project.”

“Yes sir.  Thank you.”

Once our boss left, my coworkers congratulated me and I thanked them for all of their hard work.  I looked around to speak to Shaun, but he was gone, he must have slipped out while I’d been talking to Mr. Henry.  Disappointment settled into my stomach, but at least his leaving let me know that the moment in my office the night before meant nothing except in my imagination.

I gathered my charts and index cards and filed out of the conference room after my teammates.  I watched as they split up and entered their different offices before reaching my own at the end of the hall and dropping the armful of presentation materials into the chair inside the door.

A vase of pink and yellow tulips stood in place of my computer keyboard; I stopped at the edge of my desk and looked over my shoulder for the deliverer of the gorgeous gift, but there was no one there.  I sat slowly and pulled the chair close to the desk.  A small white envelope was tucked into the flowers, my name visible in bright red ink.

Leaning forward, I breathed in the sweet smell of the bouquet and felt a smile emerge across my face.  I took the envelope and pulled the card out.

Julie, Congrats on the presentation.  I really appreciate everything you did for the project.  And if you ever DO get hungry, I’d be happy to take you to dinner.  ~Shaun

It was simple, sweet, not over-the-top.  I propped the card against my computer monitor, moved the vase to the right side of my desk so it was framed by the open doorway, and found my keyboard in the center drawer beneath my computer monitor so I could get back to work.  But temptation got the better of me and every few minutes I’d look to the tulips and smile.

At the end of the day, I collected my briefcase and plucked a bright yellow bloom from the vase to take home with me.

“Great job, today.”  Shaun’s voice came from the doorway again.

“Thanks.  And thanks for these.”  I lifted the chosen stem and inhaled the sweet fragrance.

“You’re welcome.  Do you like them?”

“Very much.  It’s the first time anyone’s bought me flowers.”

His smile matched mine as I joined him at the door.  Our hands joined together effortlessly, we didn’t speak as we walked to the parking lot, but we both knew he was taking me out to dinner.

6 thoughts on “Random Ramblings From My Notebook

  1. These were great random bits Rachel, I really enjoyed reading them, but the first one was my favorite; so simple & raw yet powerful!

  2. “True faith is doubting, questioning, fearing. And then believing anyways.”

    I really really really like that line. And everything else was a lot of fun to read, too. But that line especially.

    1. Thank you so much! I like that line, too. Oh the crises of faith we go through. Coming out on the other side, those are some of the most important moments of our lives.

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