I’ve wanted, for a while now, to be able to take a memory, something from my past, and write a deep, meaningful, reflective post about it. Problem is, I can’t seem to come up with a memory that would allow me to write anything of significance. I could talk about choices I made that, in retrospect, were probably wrong or I could talk about moments when I thought my heart was breaking, but again, in retrospect, it probably wasn’t, but I don’t think I’d get the reflective piece I was hoping for. I should probably be thankful I’ve lived a fairly even-keeled life. There have been no times of great tragedy, only disappointment and regret, but there have also been no times of tremendous joy, only fleeting happiness. In the grand scheme of things, I should consider myself lucky.
I’ve been having a lot of trouble writing for a long time now- pretty much since I finished the second big edit of Twenty-Five. Poetry, short stories, attempts at novels- nothing is working. I have begun to wonder if I should put the pen down and forget about this whole writing thing. Not that I want to, necessarily.
I’ve never been successful at anything I’ve attempted to do. At least, I don’t feel like I have been. Always good, never great. Which makes me think I’m not choosing the right things. Honestly, when I think about it, the only thing I ever really excelled at was school. So, I’ve been thinking about going back to school. I’ve wanted to get a graduate degree pretty much since I received my undergraduate one, but the timing has never been right or the money’s never been available. I still don’t know if the timing is right and I know there isn’t money available, but if I keep waiting, I could be waiting forever, right?
I don’t know for sure yet what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, or even the next couple of years. I wish I did. I wish I knew if I had it in me to write another book. I keep trying and failing. And I hate failing. I keep thinking one day I’ll have the time to devote to another story. One day I’ll develop characters that really speak to me. One day I’ll come up with a plot that is so freaking fantastic that it will basically write itself. But how long can I wait for one day?
I feel lost and confused and really guilty that I haven’t had anything of quality to post on this blog in a very long time.